“I should’ve said that”
“I shouldn’t have done that”
“I should have said something earlier”
“I shouldn’t have gone out with X”
“I should’ve gone to the gym”
How many times do you say (or think) “I should have done ABC” or “I shouldn’t have done XYZ”?
We’ve all done it and often we do it and don’t realize we’re doing it. Just last week I found myself thinking: “I should have said yes to that project”… and then I caught myself. “Uh uh Jillian”.
Every time you do this it gets in the way of you being present. Every time you drop a should have or a shouldn’t have into the sentence you are pulling yourself back into the past.
“I should have done ABC” is an example of what I call ‘low-level guilt’. You’re rehashing a situation and wishing it to be something other than what it was. That takes energy and most importantly it sucks energy away from what’s actually going on right now.
Maybe you did do something that, now, in a more knowledgeable state you would do differently. OK. Fine.
Note it.
Learn from it.
Try doing it differently if there is a next time.
Make amends if there is a way to do that.
And stop investing in the past. It’s such a costly investment because it takes so much of your attention and the ROI is so limited. The past has past and focusing on it always takes you away from the present moment. The present moment is the only reality. To miss that because you are distracted by some low-level guilt about the past is a waste.
So do the research and see how often it slips into your thinking or your speech and start to try to catch it. The more you do this, the earlier you will catch it and then the easier it will be too drop it. And then you’re more available for the now.
Yes! The one thing we cannot change is the past. We can change our current moment, and possibly change the future; but the past is what it is. This is the crucial fact of forgiveness, and recognizing this is the first step in forgiveness seminars. Should have, would have, might have and may have are wasted energy. “Why did I. . . ?” might be helpful in looking for a better choice the next time a similar situation comes up. If we know WHY we made a mistake, we might know how to change. But fretting over what is past is a waste of time and energy.
Thank you for doing this, what a inspiration. The photograph is beautiful and brilliant too.
This is a fantastic one! The basis of “The Nine Steps to Forgiveness” that form the core of workshops I designed. Forgiveness is the decision to give up all hope for a better past.
I wish you would stop reading my mind. No wonder I always feel under surveillance.